Dear Daughter, On Christmas

Dear Daughter,

It’s our second Christmas together and I’m so grateful to be creating these memories with you. Being on this side of Christmas is really new for me… the holidays are stressful as a parent! I hope I managed to get everything right so you have magical memories to look back on. I think in the future we might spend more holidays just you and me, which will be strange for me having always had my extended family around, but I want to truly enjoy and cherish my time with you while I can. You will be grown before I know it, I can already feel the time flying by.

Christmas is a time when I’ve experienced a lot of loss, and so I usually try to compensate by having as many people around as possible. I’ve tried to compensate for the losses you’ve experienced by scheduling phone calls with your biological family on Christmas. I thought it would be important to you, to wish them a merry Christmas. Your grandparents have been great, and your sister is a bit disorganized but she tries… she’s young and she’s pregnant now so she’s got distractions. But you’re biological mom, I don’t have any excuses for her, other than her alcoholism. Honey, as long as your mom is an alcoholic, her priority will always be alcohol. So I hope that you can understand if we don’t make as many phone calls to her and we don’t have visits. I hope that someday the two of you can have a meaningful relationship, but right now I’m worried she’ll spend her life disappointing you. I won’t spend every holiday seeing disappointment on your face or hearing you say “it’s okay” when I know it’s not.

So from now on, we’ll have to get used to it just being us for the holidays. I will cherish each one that I spend with you and I’ll never take them for granted.



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